A whole load of ranting shit

I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve hit rock bottom. I feel like everything is coming down around me, once again. For the umteenth time this year. I want to leave my job. I do. I hate it. It’s a horrible job. I’m on minimum wage – and I have been for the whole 1yr 10 months I’ve been there. I’m constantly getting into trouble for things that aren’t exactly my fault. It’s all about me at work – apparently my dad’s been pulling strings. I got into trouble a few months ago for something that happened in my first month of working there. I was so confused, it took me forever to figure out what they were talking about. And now i’m getting into trouble for it? Everyones being idiots, I just need to get out of there. I had this problem a couple of months ago – not coping with work – and then I tried to suck it up, shut the fuck up and get on with it. And here I am back at the bottom again. I want to hand in a resignation, work for a couple more weeks and just be over with that job once in for all. I know that if I want another job, I have to work hard because my boss won’t give me a very good reference. I want to find a way to leave my job, and have enough money aside to be able to spend some time off work, get my head sorted, get what I want to do sorted, and then go in and do some more job applying.

On top of that, my head is so confused by this Nick and Cade stuff. I love Cade. I love him from the bottom of my heart. I’d take a bullet for him, he’s the air that I breathe and he keeps me going every day. I still feel my heart skipping beats when I see him for the first time in a week. But Nick… he keeps popping up in the back of my mind. I don’t know why, I really don’t. I just feel like i’m going to explode. On top of that, I’m trying to be friends with Tom but he’s making it so difficult I don’t think I should try anymore.

I feel like I can’t even talk to my mum anymore, she makes me feel better for the first day I spend with her, shes so nice to me and stuff, and then after that she turns into something completely different and she gets rude, and makes me wonder whether she cared at all. So i’m blogging instead of throwing this onto her once again, but at the same time I just want to call her so I can cry because shes so comforting and always knows how to make me feel better. Alex told me today that mum and Steve are getting pissed off about me not making payments to the car and threatened to take it away from me. I told mum that I wouldn’t be able to make payments for awhile because of work, I thought she understood but now I don’t think that they ever understood me. They say nice things to my face but talk shit behind my back is all it feels like. I’m back at high school again, eh.  I’m nothing but a bad daughter, someone who can’t pay their own parents, I know that they’re having money problems of their own but why didn’t they just stop giving me things and letting me pay them back for it slowly then??? I know after the car I’m not doing it again because all I hear is constant shit about how I’m not giving them enough money, how i’m as bad as Alex, how bad we both are as daughters and what failures we are…

I want a new job, I want to work at the 24HR Countdown so I can get a evening job and sleep in in the mornings… I’m not a morning person, I keep sleeping in at work as it is. Which upsets everyone, and then I’m sick constantly which upsets people more, I’ve had verbal warnings and written warnings and I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t do a normal 9-5 job, it’s not who I am. I did it for a good year before I started sleeping in and being sick and all of that stuff. And I just don’t seem to care, no matter how much trouble I get in. It’s too difficult to stay there anymore, being on minimum wage, like I have been for the whole time i’ve worked there. We do a lot of fucking work in that call centre and nobody else other than ourselves can appreciate it. People think we sit on our arse doing nothing waiting for them to call us, we have a lot of fucking work to do on top of that. And I can’t take it anymore.

I’m a giant mess, trying to think of all of this at once. I want to leave my job, take some time off to think, sort out what I want, get some schoolwork done too because I’ve been slacking, I want to find a new job which is easier and requires me not to think as much so it’s more relaxing, and preferably not something with early starts because I know i’ll fail again if I find a job that has early starts I’ll sleep in and fail again. I’m just not a morning person. Anyone can see that, anyone that knows me could tell you that.

I’m officially at a loss of what to do. I want a new job, I want to leave my job. The problem is, I want to leave my job RIGHT NOW. I can do what I’ve been doing for the past god knows how many months and continue looking for a new job while staying at my job right now but I don’t think i’m going to be able to handle any more of it soon, in all honesty. I’m breaking down further, each time I go to work I just want to run further away.

What I want to do; is I want to hand in four weeks resignation. At the same time, start applying for lots of jobs. Look at benefits or something from the IRD, see if theres any extra income I can squeeze out of them. Apply for some stupid job at the supermarket, or The Warehouse, or something easy like that where I can work day/evenings instead of mornings. I will have money from 1. Holiday pay that will get paid out to me, 2. Incredibly generous friends and an amazing boyfriend who have been kind enough to support me and be so kind to me knowing i’m at the point of a mental breakdown. 3. Tax refund will be avaliable shortly, so I’ll have that extra money. 4. Of course I would have saved over the next four weeks from working to keep myself steady for awhile. It’s not like i’d be leaving myself nothing, I’d still have money to keep up payments with things.

I just need to get away from my job. I had two weeks off, which was nice but feels like I never left. I can’t stand being there anymore, I can’t stand weekends with Tom who completely snobs me and has random nut-offs at me because he doesn’t know how to fucking sleep and pulls an all-nighter, I can’t stand grumpy co-workers who snap at me, or my boss who likes to pull me in for meetings 5x more often than anyone else because I’m that bad at what I do. I’m sick of calling in sick on a regular basis, leaving work to go home sick, or sleeping in even if it is only 15 minutes. I’m sick of everything to do with that place, those people, and the way I treat the whole environment. I hate that my dad has been pulling strings for me, and I hate further that I’m hurting my dad and my co-workers reputations by being sick and screwing everyone over on a regular basis. I just need to leave, it’s driving me insane and I’m not dealing with it anymore.